Monday, January 09, 2006

The Most Expensive Date Ever

As previously mentioned I recently had a few issues with my car. While my situation was being decided the powers that be at the DMV decided to suspend my license. This was shortly before Thanksgiving. Unfortunately the notice that my license was suspended took longer to find it way through the mail to me than what I would have liked.

So it is the night before Thanksgiving and I have my first date with a cutey that I met at Sharkeez the previous week. Pick her up, take her out to dinner - things are going great. Joe brought his A-game that night...which is a lot like saying Calvin Shiraldi looked sharp in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. I don't have A-game, I have self-deprecating humor, and witty anecdotes about crazy girls and inebriated mishaps that make me seem funny, charming and harmless and occasionally lead to something slightly higher than pity sex. I am ok with that.

Anyhow, she was smitten...and maybe a bit drunk. Guys - if there is anything I've learned in my court mandated alcohol awareness classes it is this "tiny girls get really drunk, really quick." At one point in the evening I even let her know that I was the kind of guy that things just happen to sometimes. She didn't believe me, but she soon would. So I was optimistic that this night might end up in a little nudity. That optimism ended abruptly when I failed to see a "No Turn on Red" sign. Apparently, the corner of 19th St. and Newport Blvd. in Costa Mesa is a great spot for cops to sit behind a dumpster and wait for taxpayers to ignore traffic laws. I heard the sirens, I saw the lights in my rear view mirror - I felt like an idiot.

Gave the officer my temporary license and patiently waited in the car. And I waited, and I waited...and I noticed a tow truck pull into the parking lot. At that moment the officer asked me to step out of the car. He then proceeds to explain that my license has been suspended, and when you get caught driving with a suspended license they don't just tow your car - they impound it...for 30 fucking days!!! The cop then looks at me and says "Is that your wife in the car?" I say "No." To which he inquires "Fiancé?" To which I reply "Uhm no officer - it’s our first date." He laughs, not smiles - he flat out starts laughing and says "I'll let you explain the situation to her. Good luck! You want me to call you a cab...or two?"

So I explain the situation to her, and she laughs and says "This must be one of those things that must only happen to you huh!" She says that we should just take a cab back to her place; I can stay there tonight and then leave in the morning. Hey, what other options do I have right? So we go back to her place, have a couple glasses of wine, put on a movie and basically hook up for a few hours. Apparently she must dig bad boys.

So the next morning I wake up, kiss the girl goodbye and I take a cab to a friend's house and she gives me a ride back to my place. I then proceeded to go into a funk and spent Thanksgiving alone on my couch. I did have a nice Subway Turkey Cold cut Combo Sandwich for Thanksgiving dinner though. Not exactly a home cooked family meal. I spend the next month taking cabs, bumming rides and basically realizing how much life sucks without a car. During that period of time I also get suspended from work and put on probation due to the fact that without a car and license I am unable to fulfill all of my duties as an outside salesperson. Basically my life sucked! I was extremely depressed and rather despondent. I apparently got over it.

So finally I get my license back, and am now allowed to get my car. I go to the impound yard and pay them their blood money. Those fuckers charged me $1,200 to get my car back. On the way out to retrieve my car the genetic miscreant tells me to sign the inventory sheet as proof that I got all my belongings back. My reply "I think I'll check my car first..." Before I even get the doors opened I notice that the glove compartment is open and my iPod is not in it. I flip out "Where the hell is my iPod?" His reply "There was no iPod. There was an iPod adapter but no iPod. I took the inventory myself and was real thorough." This is when I knew the guy was a lying piece of shit. It isn't exactly an adapter - it is a wire that sticks out of the glove compartment. Unless there was an iPod attached to it no one would know what the fuck it was. Needless to say I refused to sign the inventory sheet. All in all those bastards stole my iPod, my Oakley sunglasses, and my new golf shoes.

Forgive the following diatribe but those miserable fucking worthless parasites! First they tow my car and then they have the audacity to charge me with every fucking fee under the sun, and then fucking steal from me! Fuck them, all of them...I hope they all die in a fiery crash. What's wrong, were the malls too crowded before Christmas to get all your shopping done? Had a last few items left on your list that you needed to pick up...from MY damned car! And who the fuck steals golf shoes? I'll tell you who - illiterate inbred cocksuckers with NASCAR hats, only six fucking fingers, and a tow truck. I hope I see them out in public enjoying my music collection, and shading their eyes from the UV rays with my sunglasses cause I'm gonna go OJ on their asses and fuckstart their heads. I'll see you dickless pukes in hell. Fuck you and happy Fucking New Year!

Ok, now that I have that out of my system I can continue. Needless to say I filed a police report. Basically I'm fairly confident that I am never going to see my shit again, but the trip to the police station wasn't without humor. When the officer asked me to describe the person at the tow yard that I had spoken with I told him "I can give the politically correct description or I can be blunt..." He said to start with the PC version. "OK, he was of below average intelligence and was digitally challenged." The female officer who was at the desk than interjected that she just had to hear the blunt explanation, to which I retorted "He's a fucking retard, and he only had six fingers!" She almost shot coffee out her nose.

So all in all lets see how much this date cost me:

Dinner $60.00
Cab Fair to Her Place $25.00
DMV Fees $140.00
Impound Fee $1,200.00
iPod $450.00
Sunglasses $175.00
Golf Shoes $65.00
Dignity Priceless

Oh, who am I kidding I lost what little dignity I had left a few years ago in Vegas.

And to answer the question that all of you are wondering - No, I never heard from the girl again. Last time I ever date a Michigan fan. A grand total of $2,115 fucking dollars! Jesus, and I thought U$C girls were expensive....


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